Content:
Emotional intelligence is part of a person's general intelligence.
His tasks:
analyze the information contained in emotions, incl. determine the meanings of emotions and their connections with each other;
use this information to think and make decisions.
Emotional intelligence consists of 4 components:
understanding your emotions
managing your emotions
understanding other people's emotions
managing other people's emotions
At the same time, emotions are an evolutionary mechanism that helps to better adapt and build communication. Emotions are one of the elements of communication; they can transmit information through facial expressions and the visual channel, through the voice and the auditory channel, and through the body and the kinesthetic channel.
That is, you cannot completely suppress emotions, as this will deprive you of one of the communication tools. This applies not only to oral communication, but also to correspondence. That is, the moderate use of emoticons (1 per sentence or paragraph) allows you to “turn on” the exchange of emotions and convey the necessary “message” to the interlocutor.
Each emotion works according to the following algorithm:
Internal or external stimulus
Hormonal response organization
Internal reaction
External manifestation
And we can control our emotions:
through personal development, so that internal stimuli and reactions to external ones change. However, it is long and difficult, requiring personality restructuring
through tracking and managing external manifestations
There are 4 basic emotions that form all the others:
fear,
anger,
sadness,
joy.
They ultimately form a real emotional cocktail.
To learn to become aware of your emotions, you can add one or both exercises to your diary.
Table "Desired behavior - Actual behavior - Emotion." It will help you understand what emotions need to be controlled.
Situation | Desired behavior | Real behavior | What emotions led to this behavior? |
|---|---|---|---|
| | | |
2. At the same time, in order to better understand your feelings and what emotions they consist of, you can use the table below
To ultimately manage your emotions, you can use the following algorithm:
1. Become aware of your emotion
2. Determine your goal
3. Determine what emotional state will be effective in achieving the goal
4. Choosing a way to achieve the desired emotional state
You can achieve the desired state through:
reduction of negativity
strengthening positivity
There are several techniques you can use to do this:
physiological (physical activity (push-ups, squats), breathing practices, drinking water, screaming). Physical activity is the most effective for relieving negativity, since this is our body’s natural reaction to stress - to run, destroy, break.
use of imagination (go to a shelter, imagine a pleasant picture, imagine yourself as part of space or water in a vessel)
rational ( ABC method , verbalization of feelings , reframing , metaposition ) . These methods are the most complex; you need to approach them through preparation and learn to be aware of your emotions.
As a result, at a particular moment in time it is easier and faster for an untrained person to apply physiological or imagination-based techniques.
Determining other people's emotions is one of the most difficult tasks. Yes, we can consider the basic emotion intuitively. If our parents instilled this skill in us in childhood, we do not suffer from psychopathic disorders, then we can subconsciously easily recognize basic emotions. However, it is better to read complex emotional states with special training, since it is necessary to take into account many factors, including the skills of the interlocutor.
At the same time, there are tools and rules with which you can manage the emotional states of your interlocutor
1. Emotions are contagious
People perceive the emotions of their interlocutor on a physiological level and begin to “mirror” him.
Therefore, be careful when you experience negative emotions, you may accidentally “infect” someone. And positive emotions can be specifically “infected”
2. Emotions have a life cycle.
Every emotion has a limited life cycle. This cycle depends on the type of emotion, and on the personal qualities of a person, his physiological characteristics.
Therefore, we learn patience and do not expect an instant reaction from a person, it takes time. The life cycle of an emotion can be shortened by enhancing its manifestation, for example, by letting the person speak out, moderating him and asking questions.
3. Emotional stress can be reduced through:
Respect for a person, no matter what he is. The approach of M.E. helps with this. Litvak and his principle of depreciation.
Attention and desire to help, active listening
Providing an opportunity to “let off steam”, support without interruption
Refusal of criticism, evaluation, instructions
Unobtrusive eye contact, open postures, turning and tilting towards the person, nodding the head
Soft and calm intonation, slower rate of speech, low tone
4. A increases emotional stress:
Indifference, condescending attitude
Ignoring the interlocutor’s situation and not asking questions
Interruption, impatience, abrupt gestures, unregulated touching, small repetitive movements
Unsolicited advice, evaluation, criticism, non-admission of being wrong
Lack of eye contact or looking from the side/from under the brows, closed postures, turning and leaning away from the person
Acceleration of tempo, increase in tone, high shrill tone, sharp abrupt intonation
As a result, 3 common mistakes should be avoided:
underestimation of the influence of emotion on communication and the interlocutor. Ignoring and trying to convince that the problem is not worth such emotions can lead a person into an aggressive state;
do not allow the person to let off steam or speak out. That is, the desire and attempt to change a person’s behavior at the same moment, immediately stop experiencing emotion, immediately give advice and offer a solution to the problem;
And the general algorithm for managing the emotions of other people can be described by the following algorithm
Recognize and understand your emotions
Recognize and understand your partner's emotions
Determine a goal that takes into account both my interests and the interests of my partner
Think about what emotional state of both of us will help us interact more effectively
Take action to put yourself in the right emotional state
Take action to help your partner get into the right emotional state
As a result, we receive several recommendations
Be silent and listen to your interlocutor, nod and let’s talk it out
Maintain a calm tone and facial expressions
Begin any answer with YES
Express your feelings and those of your interlocutor
Communication in difficult situations
Difficult situations include:
requests
apologies
objections
refusal
criticism
verbal aggression.
Mitigation of the situation
To alleviate a difficult situation, you can use
connection, adjustment nearby
positive speech
Joining, adjusting nearby
IMPORTANT! You need to speak sincerely and positively, otherwise there will be the opposite result.
Demonstration of understanding
I understand your doubts...
Demonstrating interest, involvement, active listening
Very interesting comment...
Partial consent
You are right, at first glance one might get the impression... Indeed, I myself/other partners also thought so at first
Showing sympathy
I share your feelings... Yes, it can make you feel...
Expressing a compliment or praise regarding an objection/refusal
These are the words of a person who understands the issue... It’s immediately obvious that you are a professional in your field...
Positive “about nothing”
This is quite possible/reasonable/worthy... Yes, we had to deal with this
Confirmation of socially and corporately approved clichés
Naturally, we must mitigate risks/increase productivity...
Positive speech
Focus on what you can do, on the positive aspects (benefits)
Minimize the use of the particle “Not” (“Do your customers not ask you to...?”, “Do you not use...?”).
Do not use evaluative words (“good”, “bad”, “a lot”, etc.), they demonstrate your position “from above”.
Do not use should words (“you must”, “you will have to”, etc.) - this is also a “dismissive” position.
In oral and/or informal communication, try to eliminate cliche expressions (“unfortunately”, etc., replace them with more non-trivial ones - “I’m very sorry”, “I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you”, etc.).
Making a request
The request must consist of:
requests - a clear explanation of what you want from the other person (action verb) - for him to do or stop doing
argument - justification why you cannot do it yourself / why you are turning to him
bonus - what will you “give” in return, especially if the person is not obligated to help you, help requires time or effort from him
thanks - in advance, as depreciation
Structures for forming a request
I UNDERSTAND YOU
Request + I understand you + link (but, at the same time, that’s why, etc.) + argument + bonus + gratitude
PUT YOURSELF IN PLACE
Request + argument + put yourself in your place + closed or rhetorical question (how the partner perceives the situation from the other’s point of view) + bonus + gratitude
WE ARE WITH YOU...(ADULT PEOPLE/EXPERIENCED EMPLOYEES, ETC.)
Request + you and I... + link (therefore, based on this.) + argument + bonus + gratitude
I SEE/YOU SEE...(description of the situation, consequences of failure to comply with the request, etc.)
I see/you see + argument + request + bonus + gratitude
WE ARE WITH YOU...(ADULT PEOPLE/EXPERIENCED EMPLOYEES, ETC.)
Request + you and I... + link (therefore, based on this, etc.) + argument + bonus + gratitude
I SEE/YOU SEE...(description of the situation, consequences of failure to comply with the request, etc.)
I see/you see + argument + request + bonus + gratitude
Request Reinforcement Structures
WORKING OUT AN OBJECTION (if your partner objects)
Joining + repeating the request + repeating the argument + additional bonus or additional argument + thanks for understanding
TECHNIQUE Three Ps (increasing responsibility)
Request + argument + benefit or consequences in a broader context + bonus + gratitude
PLAYING RECORD TECHNIQUE
Very often, people, even understanding the need to fulfill a request, try to insist on their own, hoping that you will not stand it and “give up.” You also need to be persistent.
A simple request + partner’s response + link + repetition (the phrase changes, the keywords of the request remain unchanged)
And so on ad infinitum. It is very important that the volume of the voice, tempo and intonation must remain unchanged.
IMPORTANT! This is a dangerous technology, you can win tactically, but after that the person will avoid interacting with you
Work with objections
Classic algorithm for handling objections
Listen to the objection and join
Specify the reason for disagreement
Determine the truth of the objection
Give counterarguments
Confirm the result and plan for the next step
We will also give an example of techniques for working with objections from the book by Evgeniy Bazhov "Negotiations for those who are afraid. Chinese secrets"
Price or cost
An option to respond to objections that it is expensive is to ask again in the same words as the client said, but with a question mark. Then clarify what you mean by price or cost? Next, tell a personal story about the cost. This is also relevant for discussing internal development projects.
365
An option to respond to objections that it is expensive: divide the cost by 365 and argue with the price for 1 day. Similar to the previous one - suitable not only for sales.
Worsening negative consequences
Show how the negative consequences can become even worse.
Antithesis to the method of going out onto the balcony (when they take time to think)
“Of course, in our business there is a rule: if the contract is not signed, then the decision is not made, the deal does not take place... Pause... But I see that in front of me is a man of his word, and he always keeps it.” You can also use the words: honest, sincere, truthful, and so on.
Strong man
If your partner has given someone his word that he will not make such decisions alone, then you can try to play on the fact that only a strong person can change his point of view or decision.
Enhancing Value
If you can't back down, you can increase the value of the deal/project in his eyes.
On the contrary
Look at the situation and the type of person, someone will give in under the pressure of “evidence and data.” And someone needs: “You don’t need this. Why do you need this?"
Refusal
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
It is used if it is not possible to fulfill the request, the reasons for the refusal are obvious to the participants in the communication, and the request is not of enormous importance.
It is important to pronounce all the phrases of the technique “in one breath,” without giving your partner the opportunity to ask questions or object.
Addressing by name + expression of regret in 1st person singular
Explanation that you cannot do what your partner wants
Offering an alternative
A message for the future
Go to action
Example: Vladimir Ivanovich, I am very sorry, but I cannot now provide the final amount under the contract. I can indicate a preliminary amount, which is currently being agreed upon; if they suit you, I can send them within 15 minutes, or after agreement. Which is more convenient for you?
COMPLEX FAILURE
It is used if the request is very significant, but you cannot fulfill it, and your partner may not understand why you are refusing. It is necessary to emphasize the objectivity of the reasons for refusal. Pronounced in one breath.
Addressing by name + expression of regret in 1st person singular
Statement - what the partner wants cannot be achieved
Explanation why this is not possible
Offering an alternative
Go to action
Example: Vladimir Ivanovich, unfortunately I cannot now provide the final amount under the contract, first you need to complete the audit and agree on the amount with the commercial director. I can provide a preliminary amount based on the average cost of similar contracts.
FINAL DISCLAIMER
It is used when the partner does not understand, “does not hear” or does not want to hear your refusal, continuing to insist on his own. Often this is manipulation on the part of the partner - in the hope that you will “give in” and fulfill his request in order to simply “get rid of”.
Accession
Repeating a simple or complex refusal in the “played record” format, changing the phrases, but not the meaning. Repeat 2 times, after partner’s objection
Designation of the final, only possible solution
Go to action
Criticism and complaints
You need to differentiate between fair and unfair criticism. The operating algorithm depends on this.
Unfair criticism
The reason for unfair criticism may be:
Your communication partner knows that the current situation is not your fault. But he still criticizes. This is a signal that he is pursuing his own goals, and his goal towards you is negative. Perhaps this is an attempt at manipulation;
the partner does not know that in this case it is not your fault, and considers his criticism fair. He is in error. Perhaps he simply did not understand the essence of the issue;
there is a personal reason and a subjective attitude, and criticism is general;
Strategy for dealing with negative criticism :
The key here is to use clarifying questions and use the “chain of questions” technique. It is important to do this calmly.
Fair criticism
In case of fair criticism, it is important to admit the mistake and clarify the details, indicate the solution algorithm
Aggression
We react to external aggression in different ways and automatically, reflexively. It depends on our attitudes, as a rule, without preparation, we skip the analysis of emotions and the choice of reaction.
At the same time, the brain does not distinguish between physical aggression and danger from emotional one.
Strategy for dealing with verbal aggression
BEFORE
Explore your mental map
Find your “weak points” and realize where they came from
Accept yourself as you are (SWOT analysis)
Strengthen your self-esteem, increase your energy
Realize that verbal aggression is not the literal words of the aggressor, but SUBTEXT
DURING
As soon as you hear an aggressive phrase, you need to take a pause, during which you become:
philologist - choose the subtext that we like better than the one laid down by the aggressor
psychologist - to analyze what “weak point” the aggressor has hit, or to unravel the “weak point” of the aggressor.”
profiler - analyze what the external behavioral signals of the aggressor indicate
NLPist - change the frame of the situation, look at the situation as a scene in a film
analyze the 5 levels of the aggressor’s message, his goal, etc. from other techniques to choose from
AFTER
Mentally remove “sediment” (flowing water, burning paper, etc.)
Feed yourself with positive emotions
Conduct an analysis of the situation (at a rational level; if you feel that there are too many emotions during the analysis, only with a specialist, specially trained)
Techniques for dealing with verbal aggression towards yourself
Domestic
Technique "Positive intention"
Accept a simple attitude - even when people criticize you, they want the best for you, they want to make you better. In this case, it will be easier for you to accept your interlocutor’s argument.
“I am the refrigerator” technique
What is a refrigerator? This is a device that maintains its internal temperature regardless of the external one. In the same way, we maintain our inner state without reacting to the hostile manifestations of other people. At the same time, we “infect” them with our calmness.
To do this you need:
during an unpleasant conversation, periodically look at yourself as if from the outside
periodically conduct an “audit” of your behavioral signals - how calm and relaxed your body and voice are, if you feel changes in them - immediately return yourself to a behavioral pattern of confidence and calm.
Technique “I am space”
Just like space, any person is infinite - he can contain absolutely everything, and this is normal, this is the law of nature. Therefore, whatever another person tells you should not be news to you - you already know it and accept it, at least partially.
“Am I a stupid person?” - Are you really going to claim that stupidity is not 100% characteristic of you? Surely there were situations where you yourself realized that you had acted stupidly.
Technique “I am a philologist”
Try rephrasing what the other person said in a positive or neutral format. Definitely - for yourself, and out loud, if appropriate - in the form of a clarifying question to your interlocutor.
External
“I am the message” technique
A message to the interlocutor about your feelings about his behavior, expressed without accusations, in the form of a statement of fact:
I feel... XXX
When you...UUU
I ask you... so that we can...
“Partial agreement” technique
Calmly agree with part of the interlocutor’s statement, paraphrasing it in a positive way (“Yes, it happens that I...”), without the behavioral pattern of “guilt”, and offer to discuss those parts of the statement with which you disagree - also paraphrasing them in a positive way .
Technique “Conversation with a Martian” (reaction to obscene language)
Imagine that you are talking to a Martian - you do not understand at all that he is speaking his language, so you cannot react, you simply ignore incomprehensible words in communication. In the same way, ignore words that decent people should not utter during business communication - this is a “Martian” language, let your interlocutor speak it with similar “Martians”.
WE RECOMMEND THE COMBINATION OF “I-SPACE” + “PARTIAL CONSENT” TECHNIQUES as the simplest and most comprehensive combination for initial development.
Formation of long-term constructive relationships
To form long-term relationships, it is recommended to use the following tools:
POSITIVISM
Be able to express a positive emotional attitude most of the time (80%). Dissatisfied and negative people do not make you want to communicate with them or share anything with them.
CONTACT
Be open - answer all questions readily, be patient and kind.
EMPATHY
Know how to step into another person's shoes. Understand his difficulties and problems, try to look at the situation through his eyes. This does not mean that you accept his point of view, but the ability to understand it makes your relationship more constructive.
PERSONAL RECOGNITION
Note your interlocutor’s personal contribution to the matter and emphasize his merits.
ADMITTING MISTAKES
The ability to admit your mistake is a sign of a strong and professional personality. This is a powerful tool for strengthening and building authority
For example, in the case of communication with peers or senior managers, the following algorithm can be recommended: “I apologize” - “It was my mistake” - “How can I correct my mistake”
DISCIPLINE AND RESPONSIBILITY
Compliance with agreements and reliability are one of the key factors that allow you to build both long-term relationships and increase the efficiency of communication here and now. A great tool for this is task schedulers. You can specify deadlines and record agreements. You can read about it here and here .
Conscious and unconscious
During communication, it is necessary to take into account that our behavior and emotions are controlled by consciousness by 10-15%, the rest is unconscious
The unconscious is also divided into superconscious and subconscious
Superconsciousness is everything that was instilled in us by our parents and environment in childhood, when we did not have critical thinking. It includes
attitude towards oneself and the environment, towards work
behavioral patterns in various situations and life scenarios
our values and orientations (on process, result)
The subconscious is our evolutionary attitudes and instincts that allowed us to survive.
Our brain reacts to a verbal threat in the same way as to a physical one, so the reaction is quick and automatic.
You can make someone feel threatened simply by being associated with something or someone.
In addition, the words and theses themselves can work on the unconscious. For example, they may differ from his attitudes. All of this can make you feel threatened. And any threat forces you to either miss words or take a defensive position, even to the point of aggression.
Results and recommendations
1. Follow the 80/20 principle
Your communication should consist of 80% positive, 20% negative. When there is more negativity, the emotional background worsens, the process of burnout accelerates and people begin to lose hygiene factors , and this can lead to increased staff turnover
2. Don’t neglect your emotions, as well as those of your subordinates and colleagues.
To do this, you must first learn to recognize your own emotions and manage them. Our emotions are one of the channels of communication that carries a lot of information. Negativity is read by other people, which is why you will burn out both yourself and those around you. A complete rejection of emotions will lead to disruption of communication and increase labor costs for synchronization.
3. Emotional intelligence is a skill that can be improved
4. To form long-term relationships, be patient and open not only with management and partners, but also with subordinates
5. Learn to admit mistakes, if your corporate culture allows it, of course.
The ability to admit mistakes distinguishes a strong personality and builds personal authority. For this it is also useful to be able to distinguish fair criticism from unfair
6. Remember that the interlocutor may have his own personal factors that will block you or cause aggression. Try to minimize aggression in your words
7. One useful technique is positive intention.
You need to accept the idea that even when criticizing, people have a positive intention towards you. This will allow you to balance your emotional state and remain calm.
8. Feel free to use emoticons or other emotional tools.
1-2 emoticons in an information message relieves emotional stress and brings the interlocutors closer together.