Content:
Etiquette
Etiquette is a tool for simplifying interaction and minimizing the risk of conflict within a group or between groups.
This is achieved through performing 2 functions:
regulation of behavior;
demonstration of group membership.
Etiquette can be classified according to:
scope of application
purposes of application
By scope:
secular - regulates all spheres of people’s lives and activities. Demonstrates the level of development of a person’s general culture
business - regulates the interaction of people in the business sphere. Demonstrates membership in a category/group of people
special - regulates the interaction between members of a narrow group, for example a profession. Demonstrates group membership
By purpose:
display of status or group membership
observance of rituals and standard processes
regulation of typical situations within and between groups
Basic principles of etiquette
the rights of a group member are regulated by his role and status, internal agreements
the individuality of an individual participant is possible as long as it does not violate the rights of other participants
For safety reasons, the group monitors compliance with the rules by all participants
any reasons for conflict within the group or with other groups should be minimized
Organizational culture
One key component to consider is what kind of organizational culture you are in.
Understanding organizational culture allows you to choose a communication strategy - a role model, what to focus on. Yes. It is important to understand the psychotype of the individual interlocutor, but understanding how the organization as a whole lives is an additional factor.
Culture of belonging
In this culture, you need to be careful when applying pressure. The key is informal communication and consolidation of agreements by letters by mail.
Culture of power
This culture requires an aggressive model of behavior. Yes, you can observe etiquette and treat your partners with understanding, but you need not to let go of the situation, but to constantly be visible so that they remember you. The key is to find sources of power, build communication with them, and exercise informal power yourself.
Focus on informal communication and agreements. In this culture, formal channels do not work well, unless of course letters or documents reach senior management. But this should not be abused.
Rules culture
This culture is best characterized by the phrase: “Without a piece of paper, you’re a turd.” Here it should be properly supported by formal documents: protocols, regulations, etc. Yes, personal communication here, as elsewhere, makes all the difference, but you can’t do without papers.
IMPORTANT! If an organization seems to have a lot of regulations and rules, and you can’t go anywhere without them, but they don’t work, then most likely this is mimicry. Beneath the outer culture of rules is actually a culture of power.
Culture of success
This culture is very similar to the culture of power. Here, too, an “aggressive” model is appropriate, in which you need to focus on the result. Let's call this active leadership.
Culture of consent
This culture is closer to the culture of rules. But if in a culture of rules the focus is on paper, regulations and processes so that everything is correct, then here it is on agreement between different participants. This is a high level of maturity that requires a minimal amount of paper.
We will omit the culture of synthesis, since these are rare situations that you are unlikely to encounter.
Summary
Below is a brief summary of culture and role model behavior.
It is important to remember that of course there is a general culture of the organization, but it may differ in individual departments. Pay attention to the manager, what his role model is.
Below we also share a link between the psychotype of a leader (when he has 1 dominant indicator) and the culture in his department.
You can read more about the psychotype according to Adizes here .
Delivering information
5 questions
When planning communication, it is recommended to answer 5 questions that determine the approach to communication
Why - what result is needed?
Who - how does your interlocutor perceive you?
To whom - what are the personality traits of the interlocutor, his psychotype? What is his goal?
What - what exactly do you want to convey? Is the information not overloaded and is there a structure?
How - how do you plan to convey it? Have you chosen the right channel and type of communication?
5 layers of communication
Each communication session can be divided into 5 layers, to which everything else should be subordinated.
Information is what we convey to the interlocutor
Attitude towards the interlocutor is our personal attitude, the emotional background towards the interlocutor. This layer is important, as it directly affects our behavior, emotions, facial expressions, intonation. And people read this, including on an intuitive level.
Attitude towards ourselves - the communication partner also reads our attitude towards ourselves, including uncertainty. At the same time, he may interpret and understand the nature of this relationship incorrectly.
The atmosphere of communication - external conditions and environment also forms the general emotional background and either contributes to the achievement of the goal, or vice versa
The purpose of communication is what the entire communication process is organized for. Awareness and support of this goal during all communication allows you to build both a strategy and maintain an emotional background
Rules for effective communication of information
If you want your interlocutor to understand you
Speak briefly and clearly, without filler words
If the message is overloaded, then break it into meaningful blocks
Structure your message based on purpose and context
Consider the pace of your interlocutor’s speech and adapt to it. There are people who are hares and there are turtles
If you want your interlocutor to remember your words
If there is interference (for example, the interlocutor is distracted), stop and go back
Say something important several times
Remember “Edge Effect” or “Stirlitz Effect” (the first and last phrases are better remembered)
Ask for feedback from your interlocutor
Create motivation for the listener
Argumentation
For a deeper dive, we recommend taking the Theory of Argumentation course
The key thing to understand is that argumentation is not the same as logic. Argumentation can work with emotions and logic, that is, logic is a tool of argumentation.
The argument itself consists of 3 components
thesis - the key idea that we want to convey
arguments or arguments - judgments with the help of which the thesis is substantiated
demonstrations or illustrations - logical connection between arguments and thesis
With ama, argumentation can be rational and emotional.
Rational argumentation – giving examples, facts, evidence. Emphasis on logic.
Data
Numbers and calculations
Graphs and diagrams
Causal relationship
Dividing the general into specific components (analysis)
Combining private elements into a single community (synthesis)
Emotional argumentation – giving examples, images, metaphors. Emphasis on the emotional part.
Metaphors and images
Examples from life
Analogies and associations
Folklore: jokes, parables, proverbs and sayings
Slogan phrases
The choice of argument depends on your position. The weaker your position, the greater the emphasis on logic or the need to understand your interlocutor well:
a strong position - you can afford to be illogical
weak position - arguments must be carefully verified and prepared
with equal statuses of the communicators, illogical, irrational arguments affect the interlocutor in the same way as logical ones
It is also necessary to consider the difference between argumentation and counterargumentation. The key difference is that it is necessary to confirm his right to an opinion (minimizing the risk of aggression), analyze his arguments and present his position.
Argument submission order
The order in which arguments are presented depends on the loyalty of our interlocutor
Loyal
Arguments are presented in ascending order: from weak to strong
Not loyal enough
Strong arguments (4 points)
Then weaker ones (2-3 points) in increasing order
At the end - an argument worth 5 points
Negatively disposed
The strongest argument is presented first; all the force of influence must be concentrated on it.
Agrees mid-negotiation
It's better not to post all the arguments. Additional ones will be posted after reaching an agreement.
The hamburger method is considered to be a universal algorithm: key arguments at the beginning and at the end.
Strengthening the argument
To strengthen your argument, you can use 3 basic techniques
Argumentation with questions - organizing dialogue using questions
“Our equipment includes state-of-the-art software that automates common operator tasks, what do you think?”
Detailing - minimizing resistance associated with key mechanisms of psychology:
the more we know about something, the less we fear and the more we trust
When detailing, a person focuses on details that are not in other proposals, for example, competitors. Your sentence appears, by contrast, to be more complete and more memorable
Detailing works even if it is irrational (everyone has it, but only you highlight it as an advantage)
Visualization - the same detail, but with impact through the visual channel
Examples from the experience of other people, metaphors, proverbs
Reviews and recommendations (quantity, description of detailed effect, status)
Visual material (photos, diagrams, etc.)
Data illustrating the thesis (diagrams, tables, graphs, etc.)
A number of methods are formed from them
Price or cost
An option to respond to objections that it is expensive is to ask again in the same words as the client said, but with a question mark. Then clarify what you mean by price or cost? Next, tell a personal story about the cost.
Exacerbate negative consequences
Show your partner how the negative consequences can become even worse.
Antithesis to the method of going out onto the balcony (when they take time to think)
“Of course, in our business there is a rule: if the contract/order/agreement is not signed, then the decision is not made... Pause... But I see that in front of me is a man of his word, and he always keeps it.” You can also use the words: honest, sincere, truthful, and so on.
Strong man
If your client/partner gave someone his word that he would not enter into such deals / make decisions alone, then you can try to play on the fact that only a strong person can change his point of view or decision.
Better life
If the client/partner does not have a need today, you can say: “the ideal time may not come, but life passes”
Method: by contradiction
Look at the situation and the type of person, someone will give in under the pressure of “evidence and data.” And someone needs: “You don’t need this. Why do you need this?"
Working through questions
Working through questions allows you to:
collect the necessary information that will be needed in the future.
eliminate barriers to understanding basic terms and distortion of information.
establish contact, win over your interlocutor, demonstrate to him your attention and openness
keep the initiative
Types of questions
1. Questions for information
Open questions: What? Where? How? When? What exactly? How exactly?
Alternative questions: Do you mean XXX or YUU?
2. Questions to clarify the relationship
Open questions: In your opinion...? For what purpose…? What do you think…?
3. To clarify what was said
Closed questions: Did I hear you correctly? Could you clarify…? Would you please repeat that…?
4. To agree on understanding
Closed questions: So you are interested in...? Would you like...?
5. At the end of a conversation to prompt action.
Alternative questions: Would you like to receive XXX in presentation format or as a list?
6. At the beginning of a conversation, for planning and setting boundaries
How long will our meeting last?
7. Informative, to bring the distance closer and find points for building a conversation.
How old are your children? What area do you live in? Friendly - watched/read/heard/drink tea?
8. Question is a compliment
Open questions: How could you endure such a nightmare (for example: self-isolation and lockdown during the COVID19 pandemic)?
9. Curious
Open: Why did you come to me and not to ....?
10. Test questions
To find out how honest your interlocutor is with you, ask a question to which you know the answer. Or better yet, two or three.
11. Issues of irritation if your partner is hesitant or doesn’t trust you
Shouldn't we sum it up?
12. Confusing
Open questions: You want me to come up with something new in this situation, but this approach does not fit into your budget, so what should we do?
Chain of Questions Technique
Helps you focus your conversation without letting the other person lead you astray.
The essence of the technique is to ask questions sequentially. If we don’t hear anything useful for ourselves in the interlocutor’s answer, we return and start the second thread of the conversation, i.e. let's go from the other side
Key mistakes when asking questions
Ask several questions in a row without giving the other person the opportunity to answer. Result: he either remains silent or answers the question that is easier/more profitable for him
Ask the question yourself and answer it yourself. Allowed in public speeches as a rhetorical device to suppress negative and active participants. In a conversation with a small audience, creates the impression of disinterest and arrogance
Pass off your assumptions as questions, i.e. say your guess with a question mark. At the same time, we naively believe that the interlocutor will answer “yes”. There is a possibility, but it’s like a “finger in the sky ”
Too general questions: “How are you doing with XXX?”, “How do you work with XXX?”, “What difficulties do you face?” It is difficult for the interlocutor to answer such a broad question; a pause occurs, while the thread of the conversation is lost, and the interlocutor becomes irritated. Such questions are suitable for small talk when establishing contact.
Questions whose answers are too obvious. They may be perceived as primitive manipulation, which is offensive to the interlocutor. The higher a person's status, the more negative the reaction may be.
So-called “leading” questions like: “Do you want...?”, “Do you agree that...?”, “Do you need...?” Can be perceived as harsh pressure and cause retaliatory aggression
Hearing
The ability to listen is perhaps the most important and useful skill for a leader. At the same time, it is inextricably linked with the ability to ask questions, because Almost all active listening techniques involve asking questions.
Listening skills allow you to:
Establish emotional contact (the person makes sure that he is being listened to)
Avoid introducing your own meanings into your interlocutor’s statements
Obtain accurate information from the interlocutor and confirm its correctness
Your communication partner begins to better understand himself, his thoughts, identify the main aspects of the situation, and see the situation in a new way
As you can see, the ability to listen is actively related to the ability to work with questions. And active listening techniques are closely related to the use of questions.
SPIDER technique
We support
We give the interlocutor the opportunity to express his opinion. We maintain eye contact, tilt the head towards the partner, nod to the beat of his words. Assent: “Yeah... Uh-huh... So... Yes...”
Let's activate
We ask our interlocutor questions to develop the dialogue. It is very important to ask open-ended questions that begin with the words “What...Where...When...For what purpose.” They encourage the interlocutor to dialogue.
Let's clarify
We ask clarifying, confirming questions: “Did you say...?”, “Did I understand you correctly that...?”
Comment
We express our attitude to what we heard or give additional information in essence
In addition, the “Summary” technique works well when we summarize a logical block or entire communication and ask a question confirming the accuracy of what we heard and the agreements reached.
Moderation
We often find ourselves needing to moderate communications. This applies not only to public speaking and discussions, but also to personal communication. And the first rule of moderation is to announce at the very beginning how much time you/everyone has, and then appeal to this: “Colleagues, excuse me, we have XX minutes left, let’s cut it short…”
The following are techniques for the most common situations.
If the other person talks too much
Polite interruption is acceptable: “Sorry, I have to interrupt you...”
You can interrupt your interlocutor’s statement with a clarifying question on the topic: “Sorry, I would like to clarify...”
If you need to interrupt your interlocutor's train of thought
Start asking closed, clarifying questions to his statements.
Then - open-ended clarifying questions, one after another, becoming more and more detailed.
Gradually include the topics you need in the topic of questions.
If the interlocutor is very assertive, to the point of aggressiveness
Express an objection in the same tone as the interlocutor. Then, without pausing, ask a calmly closed question about the interlocutor’s topic so that he answers yes. Express agreement with what was said, perhaps give a compliment. Then, without pausing, ask several open-ended questions on your topics (set up a discussion). The next step is to move on to your presentation or argument.
If this is a group communication, you can answer the question, provide support, but then break eye contact by moving on to another participant.
You can also ask questions, answer questions with questions, raising global topics, abstractions, rhetorical and philosophical questions “why, for what.”
The tactic of breaking a position is also possible. We ask questions ourselves, answer them ourselves, and devalue the interlocutor’s knowledge, competencies, and expertise. But this method must be used very carefully.
Feedback
Feedback is information to a person about his behavior in order to change unwanted or reinforce useful forms of behavior.
The key is that feedback should bypass criticism of personal qualities. As you and I already know, this causes a feeling of threat, which means it leads to defense: either ignoring what was said, or aggression. Feedback should be focused on the actions or behaviors that led to a particular outcome.
Key Principles of Feedback
Timely
Refers to a recent situation that is still fresh in the minds of you and the employee. This is necessary for understanding and forming a cause-and-effect relationship.
Balanced
The leader maintains a balance of criticism and praise, thereby creating conditions for constructive dialogue
Dialogue
The manager engages the employee in dialogue
Specific
Does not contain generalizations or vague words. There is a discussion of a specific situation and behavior
With consequences
Indicates the consequences of this behavior: how it affects the department, the manager, others, the work process
Developmental
Suggests behavior options that the manager would like to see in the future. Together with the employee, options for more effective and successful actions (behavior) are thought through.
Types of feedback
Positive/supportive behavior
Negative/corrective
Developmental
Basic Techniques for Positive Feedback
Praise without delay (form a clear cause-and-effect relationship)
Praise publicly (increase authority, improve microclimate and employee loyalty)
Tell what exactly the employee did correctly (you also form an understanding and cause-and-effect relationship)
Tell me how you feel about this
After this, pause to let the employee feel how pleased you are
Shake hands or otherwise make physical contact
Basic Techniques for Negative Feedback
Tell the employee in advance that you are going to express your opinion in no uncertain terms. Reprimand only in private and only once for one mistake . The key principles here are the same as in our punishment algorithm . The key thing is that there is no need to lead to punishment here.
First half of feedback:
Communicate immediately after a mistake is made
Tell me what exactly was done wrong
Explain possible risks and consequences
Express your personal feelings about the mistake
You fall silent for a few seconds
Second half:
Shake hands or otherwise make it clear that you are actually on the employee's side.
Remind the employee that you appreciate him
Explain that you are unhappy with a specific situation
Give developmental feedback
Basic Techniques for Developmental Feedback
make sure you know all the necessary details
determine what exactly you want to change in the employee’s behavior and how long it will take to do this, what resources are needed and what model of situational leadership appropriate for a given employee in a given situation
determine how you can support changes in the employee's work
If something might irritate you, think about how you can quickly pull yourself together
make sure the location where the feedback will take place is comfortable and suitable for the purpose (no physical barriers)
set a discussion time in advance so that the employee is prepared and not distracted by other matters
Feedback Models
There are 3 most common models that are used for different types of feedback.
Model BOFF
1. Behavior - action, behavior
The leader points out the events that caused the problem; only facts are mentioned in the conversation, without emotions.
2. Outcome - result
Explains what consequences the employee’s behavior has led or may lead to.
3. Feelings - feelings
Describes the emotions he experiences as a result of the inappropriate behavior of a subordinate.
4. Future - future
The interlocutors discuss together what steps will help avoid mistakes.
Model SOR
1. Standard - standard
The manager reminds the employee what the company rules are and why it is important to follow them.
2. Observation - observation
Tells in what specific situations a person violated these rules or internal standards.
3. Result - result
Explains what consequences the employee’s actions led to, what risks arose for the business and for him personally. The goal is to make the interlocutor realize how important it is to follow instructions and begin to do so.
Model EEC
1. Example - example
The manager gives the employee specific examples of his behavior.
2. Effect - effect
Focuses attention on the consequences that the subordinate’s actions led or could lead to.
3. Congratulate/Change - congratulations or change
Depending on the type of feedback, the manager either praises the person and congratulates him on good results, or explains what he needs to change in his behavior.
For negative/corrective feedback, you can use the BOFF and SOR models, and EEC is a more universal tool, it is suitable for all types of feedback. But regardless of the algorithm, feedback rules must be followed. Otherwise, the interlocutor will not perceive the message that they want to convey to him: he will begin to defend himself, argue, or, conversely, will close himself off.
In addition, when working with feedback, it is necessary to take into account the employee’s meta-program.
Balance of positive and negative feedback
To balance feedback, several factors must be taken into account:
From the Yerkes-Dodson law, we know that excessive motivation leads to a drop in the quality of performing complex tasks;
negative feedback is the most stimulating;
It is necessary to take into account both the person’s psychotype and his level of maturity. There is also an interesting classification of people according to their level of perception. Assess the correlation of this model with employee maturity levels;
the research results show that the optimal ratio of positive and negative communication in a company should be combined in the proportion of 80% positive, 20% negative. An increase in the share of negative communication leads to a deterioration of the microclimate. And positive feedback reinforces the desired behavior of an employee or partner, creates conditions for long-term relationships, because in our work we do not often receive positive news;
the request for feedback from customers forms the very customer orientation.
Based on this, the more complex the situation and the more mature the employee, the less negative feedback should be used. Conversely, the simpler the situation where the mistake was made, and the less mature the employee, the more negative feedback is allowed.
Results and recommendations
1. Follow the principles of business etiquette and be polite within the company and with external participants.
Address by name, and also use the words please when making requests and thank you . Until you get closer to your partners, contact them by their first and patronymic names. This simplifies communication and minimizes the likelihood of conflicts.
2. Consider the organizational culture.
Choose the correct communication strategy, taking into account both the organizational culture and the psychotype of the interlocutor. Organizational culture determines the strategy, and the psychotype determines specific theses and tactics of communication.
3. Prepare to communicate and monitor the 5 layers during communication. Try to avoid stereotypes.
4. Talk less and listen more, ask questions.
This way you will avoid misunderstandings, be able to maintain the initiative and demonstrate interest in your interlocutor. This will allow him to open up and come to the conclusions you need.
5. Use feedback as early as possible in the event and maintain a balance of negativity and positivity.
6. By default, use the hamburger principle: the strongest argument and the point you want to convey are located at the beginning and at the end.
7. Argumentation does not equal logic.
Learn to recognize your interlocutor and include emotional arguments. But the weaker your position, the more carefully you need to work with them
8. Learn to moderate the process of communication and meetings.